Hey, guys! I just got done with a four hour long group interview to be an RA. It went really well, very well, actually. I went into it slightly dreading it, but that was mostly because four hours is a long time to be under the microscope of a future employer. I was also nervous about doing a group interview, but I shouldn't have. I think I doubt myself, especially in social settings. I shouldn't. God had made me unique, uniquely me. I have a personality and faults and too often I let myself get uncomfortable going into situations. I think I want to become more brave. And that may seem relative to some of you, but [if I had money to gamble] I bet the idea of being being more brave resonates in you like a pen dropping in a dead silent room.
I guess I just always thought I was brave, in a way, but lately I've been realizing that I'm not. I let my fear get the better of me in a lot of ways, as stated above. But, even more so, I've been realizing that I don't have anything to be afraid of. I mean, yes, there are potentially horrible things that could happen to me like being attacked or something, but really, I think I just have to decide to be brave and not let myself be afraid.
One way that I've been seeing this fact is my ability to be open, transparent, really. I'm leading a bible study this semester, which is still a little frightening, but I'm not afraid anymore. Since coming to college I've made a good handful of very amazing friends, but I haven't ever really been vulnerable. I haven't been real about my past or my life. And maybe that just comes with time, but I think you have to initiate that level of deepness. You have to be vulnerable. You aren't perfect; no one is. I think you have to be real about your struggles and faults and I haven't done that at all. I really don't talk much about my feelings, or if I'm sad, or what I'm struggling with, or really about my past.
But I need to. I can't do life by myself. I want people to be able to do life with and to be able to tell that my day was really hard and cry in front of, or with, or be super happy together and rejoice over answers to prayer and stuff. And I think I have those potential people here; I think they are everywhere: you just have to be brave enough to dive in and destroy that wall of perfection everyone tries to build. Or, at least I know I build it. I think everyone builds a different kind of wall to hide behind.
So I'm trying to be braver. I'm talking more, in general. Emotions are still really hard for me; I run from them. But I want to grow. I want to be real. And I really want that for my bible study I'm leading. I don't want it to be
my bible study, either. I want it to be a place where we can be open and real and love. And I need to be brave for that.
Another thing I've already learned this semester, and am still learning, is about hope. I know, I know, big topics here. For a few years, around the tender age of 15, I really struggled with hope. I was pretty hopeless and sad. But then I became a Christian and since then I've had a hope. It was like a switch flipped, and for that I am so thankful. I wouldn't be here without that hope that I can only find in Christ. However, for the first time since then, at the very beginning of this semester, suddenly I was hopeless again. And it happened all of the sudden, and took me over without warning. I've been struggling with an issue for about a year now, but I believed that I could conquer it. I believed in my future - that, one day, I would be free from it and God would use it and the suffering that came with it for a purpose. But, all of the sudden, I was hopeless. And it was debilitating and I was so angry and disappointed with myself.
But then I went to church and got slammed with the foolishness of myself. Yeah, that happens a lot, actually. But, basically, the speaker said this [I wrote it down because it was, you know, monumental to my life at that very moment] "hope looks at circumstances through the lens of God. Not to see God through it, but the way he sees all things."
I always thought hope was something I felt, something that came from inside me. But that's not the case. To hope I have to look at every situation in my life as God sees it. Every situation in my life was hand crafted by Him, after all. And He has a plan that I can't begin to understand. Every circumstance, in His eyes, is there for a purpose and connected and going to be used for something. By myself I'm hopeless. I have no hope. But when I heard hope described like that there way so way I could be hopeless, not if hope is looking at every situation from God's perspective. He's perfect. He knows what's He's doing. And He loves me so intently and passionately and intimately that hopelessness can't be a reality. It isn't His character or nature. It can't exist in Him. Basically, there's no way I can be hopeless. So that's awesome.
There are quite a few more things I've learned just in these three weeks or so and that I'm still learning, but I'm just going to share one more and that is my yoga class. I know, I know, my yoga class - seriously? But yes.
First off, my yoga class has taught me to always sit up straight - and I mean ramrod straight. I've trained myself to do it now and for that I'm thankful. I don't want back problems and it's something I have to do now, even though I'm young, to help my future self not be stooped over. I also have to start working on my hamstrings because, at the rate I'm going, I'm not gonna be able to bend over.
Most importantly, though, yoga has taught me a lot about my body. It's taught me how to breathe in a way that automatically connects your mind and your body, which seems a bit out there, but it's totally true. It's taught me that the idea of yoga - connecting the mind to the body - isn't something just practiced in yoga, but in all areas of life. I can try to connect my mind with whatever I'm doing at the time to focus, to connect on a deeper level, to breathe, to calm myself, to listen to what my body needs. [How much do I sound like a hippy right now on a scale of 1 to 10?]
It's taught me that my body should not be mine. I should use it to serve others, always. Our closing mantra, when we put our hands to our hearts, has some gibberish stuff, but always ends with "let us use our bodies not for ourselves but for others." It's taught me a lot about how amazing my body is and how important it is. It's the only one I'll get. It does so much for me. It's working to keep me alive all the time and it deserves to be taken care of for that. It's so precious.
It's something I really needed to learn.
I just wanted to share with you guys some of my life right now. What I'm learning. I'm also learning school stuff, too, but that's not nearly as important ;)
Have a good night, guys. Be brave. Grow. Go do some yoga.
