That goes to show you how poor my posting skills are. I have like 27 in my drafts that I need to post. I'm a bad blogger. I'll post more, pinky promise. Probably. Hopefully. Maybe. As I said once before in an interview asking if I would beat my time in a race: "If I do, I will. If I don't, I won't."
I have such a way with words. It's a gift.
Anyway, hi. I hope you all have enjoyed your 4th of July. For my non-American friends out there, I hope you had a lovely summer day. This isn't an Independence/America themed post, unfortunately. This is about what we see in the mirror. What I see, what we are trained to see, what we tell ourselves.
Maybe you've never looked in the mirror and not liked what you see or been perturbed by some part of your reflection. Maybe you love it, or you have outstanding self-esteem and body image. And that's so wonderful, and my soul is overjoyed for you. But that's not the case for me. And for quite a few women I know, and some men as well.
Part of getting married for me is a traditional wedding, in the sense that we're having a ceremony and reception. So last month I made an appointment to try on wedding dresses. I was excited, but then, after hanging up the phone, I caught glance of myself in my bedroom mirror and immediately thought, I can't do this.
Because of how I looked. I told my friends and mom I wasn't ready, I wanted to save money, etc, but the real truth was that I thought I was too gross looking to try on wedding dresses.
I'm not underweight anymore. Thank God. I'm at a healthy weight, and that means, by extension, I have more weight on me. A significant amount. I reached the weight I was before I had an eating disorder and then some. I have a body that isn't starving for the first time in three years. I've gotten to eat food that I haven't in years, and it has tasted good. I've gotten excited to eat. I have put food into my mouth and instead of thinking what I had to do - how much I had to run, how much I couldn't eat - I just went on with my day. Or I asked for more. Or I laughed and kept having dinner with the people I loved because I was feeding and nourishing a body that was made to do so much more than be skinny.
Even as I gained weight, no one loved me any less. No one treated me any different. People did comment on my body, which was and is always hard, even now, but it was "you look so much better / healthier."
More weight is not synonymous with less attractive or ugly. It does not mean you are less of a person or a failure. It doesn't mean you can't be beautiful anymore. For me, it's meant hair that grows, a brain that can remember, nails and skin that do not crack, and a body that is warm. It's been energy and growth and being able to swim and run and go on walks without feeling like the ground was pulling me down for a long date.
With all these good things, though, it doesn't mean it's easy. It doesn't mean that I can look in the mirror and be happy with what I see because I am finally, thankfully healthy. I am being honest, and I honestly say that I don't like what I see.
My mind tells me
gross fat ugly disgusting you have to fix this you can't eat you don't deserve to eat look at your arms how could anyone love you look what you did
and it's heartbreaking, in a lot of ways.
I did try on wedding dresses. As I tried them on these thoughts plagued me. And it did make me sad. It was hard.
It's okay that it's still hard. I think it takes time. I think it takes a really long time to be okay with your body, and maybe even find it beautiful.
But I think that it doesn't have to be something that steals joy from you. Or makes you not be able to, say, try on wedding dresses, or wear short sleeves, or leave your house.
While I wait for my mind to realize that I am beautiful, that my body is, regardless of its size and weight and inches, I can focus on what is really happening. For me that day, it was that I was with three humans I loved getting to do a really special life event. It was me watching my mom cry and hearing my best friends talk about which dress they liked. It was eating sweet potato fries and a cupcake later, and looking at furniture and rugs and mugs for my future apartment that I'm going to share with my husband. It was falling asleep while my mom drove us home from Chicago and watching Alli and Pet try on bridesmaid dresses. It was remembering that my life is so much more than a body, and my wedding day will be so much more than a dress or a ceremony or what I look like.
Our lives aren't supposed to be about food. Or being skinny, or pretty, or anything. That's not what we're here for. That is not what living is supposed to be about, sweet friends.
It doesn't have to be.
It's remembering that what I saw in the mirror and how I felt about it doesn't determine my worth, value, or how good my life is. That I am not any less precious or loved or lovely.
I think even if you can't feel good about what you see in the mirror, you can focus on other things to remind yourself of the good. Cling to the health you have. Cling to laughter, to hope, to smiles, to joy, to truth. Try on wedding dresses anyway. Even if your mind is chanting at you awful, not nice and not true things, smile anyway. EAT FOOD ANYWAY. Live a life that's not about weight or numbers or anything like that anyway.
And take pictures. Remember it. Enjoy it. Even though it's hard.
You've fought for this life, this body, health so hard already. Keep fighting, keep working, and keep growing. Push forward and live.
You've waited long enough.
Much love always,
Gabbie
