Film Review: The Silence (and other movies like it)

This is a now a blog where I review dystopian films. 

Only sometimes, promise. I'm still not sure what I want this blog to be, but I know I'm interested in writing again. After Heartbeat Sound, which is my book of poetry about my eating disorder, I've done no writing besides some poems, which is okay. I'm just used to novel writing and want to get back to that soon, and blog writing. I needed a break, I think, after Heartbeat Sound, and my eating disorder itself. To learn how to be well. To exist in a new body. Even after the eating disorder left, I struggled with depression and wanting to be alive. Maybe I'll write about that another time. Right now I want to write about end of the world movies you've probably never seen and maybe don't want to ever see. Oh, but how I love them. 

First off, if you haven't seen A Quiet Place with Jim from the Office and Emily Blunt, you need to. I got my mother, the most gentle and kind and only wants to watch the 1990 version of Little Women to watch it and she found it not awful, which is a lot. She did cry, however. 

The movie I'm going to be talking about today is not A Quiet Place, but is somewhat like it. It takes place in the United States after creatures inhabit the country that attack anything that makes noise. This film is called The Silence, and it's on Netflix. 

It's not great. But I watched it, so I'm gonna write about it to justify the time it took to watch it. There were some decent moments in the film I wanted to note on, and I'll try not to spoil it too much, in case you do watch it. I'll also include a rating and a pro/con list, with similar films you might enjoy at the very end. 

Netflix Description

When the world is under attack from terrifying creatures who hunt their human prey by sound, 16-year old Ally Andrews (Kiernan Shipka), who lost her hearing at 13, and her family seek refuge in a remote haven. But they discover a sinister cult who are eager to exploit Ally's heightened senses.

Pros

Having a deaf character as a main character, including sign language throughout the film, decent casting (Stanley Tucci, Keirnan Shipka, and Miranda Otto), a dystopian film (there's not enough in my opinion, especially good ones), and some pretty good moments, looking at interesting ideas such as having a dog in an apocalypse or an infant

Cons

Some really dumb dialogue, some real dumb stuff, too fast of a collapse to total anarchy, and a mess of a plot, kind of an exact replica of A Quiet Place but way worse, and worst of all: DOG DEATH (also people death, lots, but dog death hits me hard in movies) 

Thoughts and Major Plot Fails

The initial outbreak of the creatures themselves, (sightless, ancient pterodactyl-like creatures called vesps) happens over the course of a day in upper New York. By three in the morning the day after vesps begin attacking humans, the entire state is in a panic, so the family sets off on the run in their mini van. Literally one day later, they run into a religious cult called the Hushed that becomes the main problem in their lives. 

One problem I struggled with in the film is that the Hushed all have healed cut out tongues and a large body of followers in such a short amount of time. Did they predict this was gong to happen? Why did they choose to live in silence before creatures attacked the country that preyed upon noise? Do they know you can still have a tongue and not make noise? All of this remains to be seen. Also, the description of the film itself states that this cult is interested in the main character, a 17 year old girl named Ally, because of her heightened senses as a result of her becoming deaf. This is never the case. They want her because she is "fertile" which implies they want to rebuild the world. IT'S BEEN TWO DAYS since this attack started. Give it a week at least. I think it would take longer for people to become interested in repopulation, as they have no clear means on how to fight the vesps at all besides a knowledge that they cannot survive in cold regions of the planet. 

The other main issue I found while watching is with the idea that Ally has heightened senses. Ally became deaf due to a car accident a few years prior to the movie, and she can hear some loud sounds like her dog barking. She notices things that predict the vesps' coming, such as her dog's fur standing up. And at one point in the movie, the whole world is silent, and she has a voiceover that says something like "it's too silent." Girl. You're supposed to be deaf; how can you know that everything is suddenly quiet? I would understand if she knew if everything was loud, because that was established, but that confused me. 

It's small things like this that just don't make sense that make the movie not very good. For example. Ally is deaf so she and her entire family use sign language. However, they also speak in whispers as they sign. Probably for the viewers but if these creatures can hear a snake hissing, they can hear you whispering. Just commit to a film with no actors speaking - it's been done before and done well (A Quiet Place). Also, I want to mention that I am not hating on the fact that Ally speaks even though she is deaf; that makes sense to me, as many non-hearing people, even people who are deaf from birth can speak. It's just the inconsistencies of sound, which is the POINT of the movie, that bothered me. 

Also, the main point of the movie, as shown in the trailer, is when Ally and her family realize what's happening: that they have to be silent, and Ally says dramatically. "I know what it's like to live in silence." And it's supposed to be this big hopeful thing that shows how they are going to survive. I get that, but Ally precedes to make SO MUCH NOISE throughout the film. She can't hear herself. I understand that the family's ability to speak with ASL is so helpful in this situation, but Ally only experiencing silence by being deaf does not mean she has the capacity to be silent for the rest of her life. She's a person, and people scream when they're startled, like she does, and step on twigs, etc. And also Facetime their boyfriends in the middle of an apocalypse where you're not supposed to make sound and TALK to each other. So dumb. 

The final main issue I found with the film is that these creatures came from underground and seemingly take over the entire country in a few days. Social media and news outlets state that entire areas of the country are gray areas - or areas so devastated that they have lost power altogether and internet access and returned to lifestyle like the Middle Ages. Maybe such devastation could happen in a few days, because the creatures can fly, but just how many creatures were there??? They're the size of corgis and the amount of creatures following a family of 5 in rural New York (which is like several thousand) suggests catastrophic numbers of these creatures existing underground. How? They flew across the OCEAN? The military and people don't have enough guns to just shoot them? People are living like it's the middle ages after three days? So many questions, so little logic. 

You can still watch the film from what I've written with not that many spoilers, just so you know. I think I did a really good job at not spoiling it while still picking apart the parts that bothered me. You'll have to watch it and let me know. Or don't and trust me. Let me know if you do, though, so we can talk about it. I love quite a few of the actors and this genre so we can chat for awhile about it, no problem. 

Final Rating: 2/10, 1 out of 5 stars

Movies I recommend that are similar to The Silence but better: 

The Quiet Place - a good film with a pretty similar premise (don't make sound or you'll die) that involves the use of sign language and how to protect your children in an apocalyptic situation. I'd give it a 9/10.  Free on Amazon Prime. 

Bird Box - follows a premise of don't see or you'll die. Involves being pregnant during an apocalypse and has Sandra Bullock. I love this movie and watch it often, but I'm pretty sure everyone hates it but I love it. If you hate it, I'm sorry. I give it an 8/10 *chef's kiss*. Free on Netflix. 

Mom and Dad - don't be a kid around your parents or you'll die. This movie as a comedy as well, and has THE NICOLAS CAGE in it. Nicky C. and his wife are the parents of two children and appear to be a happy, normal family until all parents in the United States start trying to attack their own kids. 6 or 7 out of 10. Free on Hulu. 

The Last Days - a Spanish film with the premise of don't go outside or you'll die. Free on Hulu and I really liked it. 5/10. Has subtitles. 

A Breath Away - don't breathe or you'll die. A French film about a couple racing to save their child who lives in a sterile hospital environment from an impending cloud of polluted air. Free on Amazon Prime. Has subtilties. 3/10.

The Mist - don't go in the Mist or you'll die. It's a Steven King one, baby, and it's super dark. I think about it at night sometimes still. Don't watch it, oh my gosh, but it's not bad. 5/10. 

The Birds - don't go by the birds or you'll die. I saw this as a child and have not seen it since, so I can't tell you much about it but I remember being scared for sure. Rotten Tomatoes gives it a 95% which is very high, so it's probably worth a watch. 

Final Note 

Also, I acknowledge the fact that I may be weird for how much I adore dystopian and apocalyptic films, especially zombie and end of the world films. I'm sorry; I feel bad. I love people and never want anything like these films to happen, ever. I just really enjoy aspects regarding survival and fighting to stay alive and coming together as a species to make it. I also like to be scared and freaked out. I understand if you don't. If you don't like being scared, Pride and Prejudice is officially on Netflix and I watched it this week and it made me smile. If you're like me, and zombies are your absolute fav, check out Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. You won't be disappointed. 

Much love always, 

gabbie

safety

It’s been nearly four months since I’ve gone on a walk by myself outside. I realized that just now, at 12:16 AM on an early Wednesday morning, after watching a video of a guy running around his neighborhood at night, laughing and having fun. 

I was really jealous of him. I used to run at night. I loved it. There’s something so peaceful about running in the dark, with only streetlights and the moon illuminating your path. I stopped doing that in college, which was probably a good idea. It’s probably not safe for anyone to run alone at night, regardless of gender. 

And up until this spring, I would go on runs outside in my neighborhood during the day, and walk my dogs. I would go on walks through my Florida subdivision, sweating bullets and practically swimming through the humid air, but it felt nice to move my body and breathe. 

So what changed? Why don’t you do that anyone? Just go outside. 

I guess I could. I could. I just don’t feel safe. 

This spring, while I was walking my dog in the middle of the afternoon, a boy came up to me. A boy. A child, probably only ten or eleven. I didn’t know him; I was a block from my house. He grabbed my butt, hard, and I froze, then yelled at him. He laughed and went to touch me more, and then I screamed. I went to knock on his door, and he ran inside, crying that I would tell his parents and he would get in trouble. I could hear his mom talking to him. She did not come open the door. I called the police. The officer was kind to me. I didn’t show him the bruise on my butt, and I didn’t cry. He asked me if I wanted to press charges, and I said no. My rationale was he was a little boy. It wasn’t his fault. I was also worried because he was a Black boy, and I knew the system would not be kind to him. So I just stopped going on walks at all. I only go with friends, or my family, or my husband. Even so, it’s kind of isolating, because I spend a lot of time alone, especially when I’m at home in quarantine and my husband is gone most of the day. 

Maybe you just need to move to a safer area, I think to myself. But then I remember, the private Christian college I went to, which was full of money and surrounded by houses bigger than anything I’ve ever stepped in before. It was my freshman year, my first week at college, and I went on a walk at 1 or 2 in the morning with two girls from my dorm. We walked off the edge of campus by these beautiful, huge homes with grand pianos in their windows. 4 men got out of their car in masks and charged us, trying to put us in their vehicle. They put their hands on us, and we screamed. We called 911; they fled. The officer told us it was probably a joke. He found one of the 4 men’s friends they had dropped off right before they decided to play that super funny joke on us and made him apologize. We walked back to our dorm, and my friend went to shower and change, as she had urinated on herself due to fear. 

I tell that story at parties, and people shake their heads. Crazy. But I wonder what would have happened if that instance had been taken seriously. What if I had decided to press charges either time? Would I have wound up in a courtroom, ever? Would any of the men who put their hands on me face any repercussions? 

I want to run outside and go on walks. I am 24, a perfectly average height and size, and I’m not very strong. Do I need to train as a kickboxer first? Or take another self defense class? Or have 911 on speed dial always? 

Or do I just need to suck it up? Cry about it. Ignore it and go on walks anyway, bravely, and expect someone to mess with me, and take it. Punch them? Carry a gun? I don't want to shoot someone. I just don't want my body to be touched.

It’s getting really hard to just take it. I don’t want to take it anymore. I never reported the people who sexually abused me when I was a child. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately, especially once I learned that the statute of limitations in Illinois isn’t up for me. I could call the police right now and report the man who molested me in my grandpa’s bathroom when I was 5. Maybe a detective would go to his door, knock on it, and he would have to explain to his wife and daughters where he was going, and why he had to answer questions. And maybe I would report the other person, too, after that. 

But the thing that kills me is - what if nothing happens at all? 

I’m a strong woman. I survived childhood sexual abuse for years. I survived physical and emotional abuse for years. I survived anorexia. I can do amazing things. I help people every day. But there’s some things that make it really hard for me to sleep at night. What if the hurt - my suffering - isn’t accounted for, and it dissolved into some he said she said, and I can’t go into a courtroom again after the last time, where it nearly destroyed me. 

The first apartment my husband I moved to after we got married was actually graduate family housing. It was across the street from a small Mexican restaurant and next to an IHop. Behind us there were some really nice apartments. About a mile down the road was the campus of the University of Florida. There were signs posted all over our complex that said WOMEN DO NOT WALK ALONE AT NIGHT. I’d never seen that before. It was startling to me. I also had already learned that lesson. 

Nothing happened to me there. But near Christmas, a girl in the really nice apartments behind us, while working out in the apartment’s gym area, was sexually assaulted in a bathroom. A man walked up to the gym door and knocked, so she let him in, and he did that to her. On an unrelated note, we moved out of the complex to a tiny row house with cheaper rent. I remember thinking, maybe it would have been better if it were me. Because I know to expect that. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be unassuming, a young woman who's never been hurt before, and to have an attack happen after years of being safe. 

I remember thinking I was lucky my safety had been spoiled so early, when I was learning my ABC’s and how to hold scissors properly. 

Author's Note

I'm adding this note a few days later because I wanted to address why I wrote this post. I don't want people to step away from this thinking that it was a "poor me" statement, or for attention. It's not. Instead, I wanted to paint the picture of a lack of safety for females, and the rampant sexual abuse 1 in 5 women will encounter in their lifetimes. I just wanted people to realize, if they have not yet, that in many places in America, even if it's not your neighborhood necessarily, people don't feel safe to walk outside alone, even in the day time, let alone in the evening or at night, or even with a group of people. And sometimes even after calling for help, nothing happens, or it's disregarded or not taken seriously, and that that hurts people.

Also, lack of safety while walking is not exclusive to cisgender females; it extends beyond that for sure. I just wanted to highlight my experiences. I'd love to hear yours.

Much love always,

gabbie

twenty seconds of bravery

The bravest thing I have ever done was run away. I ran away and hid in a bathroom stall. I stayed in that stall for what seemed like hours until someone safe came to get me. Later, I stood in a courtroom and testified against someone who hurt me. Multiple court dates. Months of it. But the bravest thing I’ve done - it was running. I still can’t believe I did it. To this day I cannot believe that I had the courage. Me, the girl who refuses to walk through tall grass because of snakes. But I did. I had twenty seconds of insane courage. In those moments, I saved myself. Those moments were a definite stand of No. I will not let this happen again. I refuse to live this way. I do not deserve this.  

When I was a little girl I was molested by a neighbor. I remember every moment of it, clear as day. I can feel it happening like it’s happening right now. I remember the feelings that came with it. The shame that tickled low in my belly. The nausea, the offness of the situation. The cold stripe of fear that ran through me when he locked the bathroom door behind us. The sudden emptiness that occurred the moment he took my dress off, my underwear. The darkness that followed.

Within a year, I began to be sexually abused by a female. It happened often, like clockwork, for two years. It was disgusting and vile and perverted.

I never said anything. I did not tell a soul. I lived with it, tried not to think about it, tried to erase those memories like they did not happen to me. Then, when I was 12 years old, I saw both of the people who abused me within a week of each other. It had been 4 years. I had tried to forget, but when I saw them, everything rushed back and plowed into me. The woman walked up and put her arms around my waist, saying I missed you and I shoved her, hard in the chest. I looked at her and said don’t you ever touch me again.

Maybe that was brave. It probably was. It did not feel brave. It felt like I was prey about to be eaten. I felt like I was drowning, on the verge of collapsing into terror.

When I saw him, later that week, he was with my family. They loved him. I couldn’t breathe. When I got up to go inside to go to the bathroom, he followed me in. I could hear him breathing, his steps synced two steps behind me. I became ice. I panicked when we got inside. We were alone. We were alone. I was not going toward the bathroom; that could not happen again. It couldn’t. I couldn’t take it. So I walked into my grandmother’s kitchen, each step feeling like it took hours of my life that I’ll never get back. I reached up to grab a cup that was red and shaped like the Kool-Aid man. His hand wrapped around my thin wrist, hard. A sharp twist, his body flesh against mine, blue eyes centimeters away. Silence. My heart pounded; everyone could hear it for miles. The kitchen watched, the oven watched, the clock on the wall. Outside, I heard my mother’s laugh. His lips moved, almost touching mine. “I’ve missed you.”

I said nothing. I stopped breathing. After another set of infinity-like hours he let me go, turned, and walked away. He never acknowledged me again. I went into the bathroom and dry heaved. I felt disgusting. I felt like I was rotting away inside. Everything I had felt as a child felt new and raw and I couldn’t run from it anymore. It was so real. It was too real. The terror I felt ravaged me. I was an angry, terrified little girl.

Later that week I cut myself for the first time. This continued for years and years and years. Then I stopped eating and got razor thin. I stopped thinking, stopped drinking, stopped living. I was a paper doll with a paper heart beat. I stopped feeling the skinnier I got. I got so thin I think I know what it feels like to be dead.

I got better. I stopped starving myself, stopped slicing and carving up my thighs. I got tattoos instead. I fell in love with a boy. I moved far, far away from the place those people hurt me at. I have a dog, my beautiful little girl, and a husband. I have friends, a church, and so many people who love me. I have a future here before me, full of babies and a career and more dogs than I can count and a life I desperately want to live.

All that pain almost killed me. It kills people. It can eat you alive. It’s unforgiving.

I cannot help but wonder what would have happened if I had told somebody ten years ago, at 12. Or at 15. Or at 7 or 6 or 5. I told my friends, finally, when I was 15. I told a counselor when I was 17. I told my boyfriend when I was 19.

I want to tell you five things. They are important. They are what I have found through nearly two decades of living with the things those people did to me and my body and my soul. I wish I would have heard these things sooner. Talked sooner. Gotten help sooner. I am so lucky to be alive. I want you to be alive. I want you to stay alive.

1. Some people will not help you. You will be courageous and tell them and they will let it slide off their shoulders like raspberry jello. The first counselor I told at 17, that I had been molested, responded with, “there are many types of molestation. Fondling, intercourse, etc.” And that was it. That was the conversation. Literally. He was not a good counselor. With all that being said -
2. Find people who will support you. Find them. They exist. Find a good counselor. Talk to them. You don’t have to tell them specifics. I have only told three people in detail about what they did to me. My counselor, Lacy. My friend Ashley. And my husband. I did not have to. It was my decision. You can still get counseling - get help - without describing it.
3. Refuse to be unheard. What happened matters. How you feel matters. Even if you don’t want to go to court or report it, it matters. This stuff can destroy you. You don’t have to fight it alone. Tell people you trust and love. If they don’t listen, tell someone else. Tell it louder. For twenty seconds, be crazy brave and say, “Something awful happened to me. I need help. It’s hurting me. I need you to help me and believe me.”
4. Know that it may become harder before it gets better. You’ll talk about it in counseling. You’ll feel the things again. You may have nightmares. You may be terrified or angry or inexplicably sad. However, there are ways to have therapy without experiencing the trauma. You can talk to a counselor about doing some of these things so you don’t have to relive it over and over and over.
5. It gets better. I was so angry at God for years because I still felt the pain of my abuse. I hated him. Hated it. I begged him, screamed at him, cried, bartered for him to just make the pain go away. It didn’t for a long time. Now, after nearly 4 years of counseling, I can definitely, finally say that I have gotten 40% better. I no longer experience panic attacks. I don’t want to kill myself. I let my friends hug me. I stand up for myself. I don’t hurt myself to try to save myself anymore. I am learning how to live with all the things that have happened to me. Truly, I tell you: they do not define me or my life. I thought they did for a very long time. They still exist in my life, but I am not backing down.
   
   

I have so many people on my side. I have told my mother, my grandmother, and many of my friends. And many others. My pastor* and his wife, those who have had similar experiences. I talk to the kids I nanny about people touching them - I tell them to TELL ME or their parents when - if - it happens. It happens so much. In your home, at your church, at the mall, at school, in a bathroom.

I am still learning, still growing and healing. I have a tattoo of flowers on my leg. They’re blooming. Learning how to flourish after years of being still, dead, and cold.

Please, if you’re reading this today, even if it’s scary, get help. Tell someone you trust. If they don’t do anything, tell someone else. If you’re hurting yourself, tell someone. If you think about killing yourself, tell someone. If you’re slowly dying inside, tell someone. Find someone who refuses to stop helping and loving you. You deserve so much more than you have been given. If you want to, you can tell me. I can listen. If you want to, tell the police. If you want to, tell your doctor or a counselor or your aunt.

If someone tells you: believe them. Fight for them. Below, I have shared my favorite passage from one of my favorite books Exit, Pursued by a Bear. In it, a young girl is drugged and raped. She has a best friend, Polly, who refuses to leave her side. Who goes through hell with her, refusing to let go of her hand.

“Finally, there is a good chance that somewhere in your life, there is a champion. She will be an older student. A teacher you have never had. The secretary. Someone else’s mother. But that person will have a car and she will make time for you, and she won’t judge or ask questions. Finding her might be hard; you might never have spoken to her before. If you’re lucky, she’ll find you. Trust her when she does, even if no one else has ever stood up for you. I gave Hermione a Polly, but I think Polly might be the least fictional person in the book.”

There are so many Polly’s out there. They will believe in you. I do.

*I just want to say that my pastor, who is a pastor at a Southern Baptist Church, took my history of sexual assault, including an issue that happened in college with another man, very seriously. He believed me and fought hard to protect me. He loved and cared for me and, if I had gone to the police, he would have been there with me. Every church, every pastor should be like this. I was lucky to have been given such a church right when I needed it.
_______________________________________________________________________________

“You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.” - Benjamin Mee, We Bought a Zoo

Johnston, E.K.. Exit, Pursued by a Bear (pp. 247-248). Penguin Young Readers Group. Kindle Edition.

yo groceries

Before Daniel and I moved into our first apartment, I spent a lot of time researching food. Specifically, I was preparing for our future grocery list. I am super exciting.

I did this because a) we’re poor now b) we knew for sure the minimum money we’d be able to spend each month, based on Daniel’s assistantship alone (because I still don’t have a job) and c) that wasn’t much money at all.

I was unanimously voted head of the financial division of our household and I honestly really enjoy it. I had fun taking my Econ courses in college, and I like dividing up the money we have toward our expenses - bills, food, insurance, rent, etc.

Also, food has been an issue for me before, as you probably know. In college, my biggest expense was food. It’s kind of ironic - an anorexic spending all her money on food - but it was true. I want our family to be good stewards of what we have, to quickly pay off my 18,000 in undergrad debt, and eat healthy. So I made a plan for us to spend 150 dollars every two weeks, totalling 300 dollars per month for our food.

That includes everything - groceries, eating out, coffee, water, drinks at the pub, ice cream runs. 300 a month, max. No going over, nope. So far, a week in, we have spent our 150$, we have more than enough for the next week and have been able to get some fun treats. And we’re also eating really well.

I thought I’d share what our grocery list looks like. I know it’s hard. I’ve seen many of my newly married friends asking on Facebook how they’re supposed to do this. I didn’t know. It’s chaos having your own first place and paying for things and trying to keep yourself AND your spouse alive.

So, hopefully, this helps you. Or maybe you can improve this system Dan and I use, or straight out tell us we’re spending too much money on food. I’m down for whatever you have to say. I’ve divided out grocery list into 6 categories, to help show how we broke our spending down: fruit, vegetables, grains, protein, dairy, and other.

FRUIT

The cheapest fruits you can buy are pretty much the following: small apples, kiwi, bananas, melons (particularly cantaloupe), pears, and maybe oranges, depending on where you live. We got the following:

6 pears, four kiwis, 3 bunches of bananas, a bag of apples (about 4$ was the cheapest I could find for that), 5 pears, a huge tub of strawberries, a cantaloupe, and one pineapple.

The main keys to fruit shopping were buying a mixture of nearly ripe and not ripe at all fruit. We’ve eaten about ¼ of what we bought in the past week - what was ripe - knowing that the rest wouldn’t be ripe until week 2, so we could guarantee we’d have fruit around. Similarly, I looked for the cheapest deals. Target has the cheapest bananas around; Aldi has cheap strawberries; and walmart was for the rest. No amount of fruit except the apples was allowed to be over 3$. That’s roughly 26 dollars we spent for fruit for two weeks.

Other tip: I froze a cup of each kind of fruit we got for smoothies - except bananas for which I froze 5 bananas - and to make a fruit sherbet ice cream, because we can’t afford frozen delicacies yet. Take it or leave it :)

VEGETABLES

6 92 cent bags of frozen vegetables. A 95 cent bag of baby carrots, two small squash, one green pepper, a bag of potatoes, and an onion.  About 12$.

We prepare one bag of vegetables every other day, consuming half of it and saving the other half for the off day when we don’t make a new bag of vegetables. The carrots are one of our snacks we can eat whenever, and the rest are for specific meals.

GRAINS

Two loaves of bread, a canister of Quaker Oats, 2 boxes of blueberry muffin mix, one box of cornbread mix, one 95 cent cranberry orange muffin mix, a pumpkin bread mix, a thing of bagels, two boxes of cereal, and one of those huge cheap bags of cereal from Walmart, whole-wheat pasta noodles, tortillas, whole-wheat buns, 4 oven pizzas, and some 95 cent crescent rolls.

This is a pretty big category, but it was surprisingly cheap! First, I sent Daniel to Aldi to get whatever he could from this for cheaper than a few dollars, which knocked out a chunk of it. The rest we got at Walmart - again, everything had to be under 3 dollars, with the exclusion of the big bag of cereal, which cost about 5.  

After one week, we’ve barely dented the above. This was more than enough for us.

PROTEIN

** This will probably be different for you! Daniel and I are not carnivorous. I only eat bird meat, and Daniel decided to do this with me because it’s super CHEAP. One of the reasons I love ‘em, the scrooge.

We got 2 canisters (I don’t know what to call them) of ground, low-fat turkey meat for super cheap, a bag of frozen chicken breasts from Walmart, 4 chicken drumsticks, a Jiff low-sodium peanut butter, and 24 eggs.

We make one meal per day with protein in it. For the first two weeks we chose the following “big” meals we would have: spaghetti with turkey meals, BBQ chicken legs, turkey burgers, Sloppy Joe’s (made with turkey), Chicken Fajitas, Baked Chicken.

That’s six meals, but we them each twice, so we have Chicken Fajitas once a week. Every two weeks, we will pick 6 meals and do the same. For the 7th day, we use one of our oven pizzas or have breakfast for dinner, which is a great way to save money.

DAIRY

½ gallon of almond milk (I can make it last a month), 1 and ½ gallons of 1% milk for Daniel, a package of American Cheese, and a knock-off container of yogurt.

That’s it. We don’t use butter, oil, or margarine in our house. 1) It makes me sick (lactose and a dairy allergy)  and 2) I want our family to get our fats from nuts and fish, preferably. Or in the junk food we get.  

** I use mashed bananas as a substitute for all oil. It tastes way better and doesn’t make your stomach feel gross at all!

OTHER

Bag of coffee beans, two Diet knock off 12 packs from Walmart ($2.52 each), a 12 pack of walmart lemonade (2.52), a small bag of flour, sugar, and brown sugar, salt, and pepper, sloppy joe mix, fajita mix, a bag of doritos, orange juice, and coconut oil spray for cooking.

That’s it.

For us, the first shopping trips cost $30.08 (Aldi), $3.00 (Target), 2$ (Publix), and $79.52 (Walmart). That’s $114.60, leaving us $15.40 to spend. We spent that the next few days - buying orange juice, the lemonade, yogurt, another thing of bananas, a pineapple, and the doritos. We had enough left over for the two boxes of additional Walmart cereal, where we both got to pick what we wanted. We have spent 150 and we will not spend any more until next Monday. We will have more than enough until then, and we’ve been able to have snacks, seconds, and smoothies throughout the day.

If you have any thoughts let me know. Or, better yet, more tips to save money! We aren’t gonna coupon though, because ain’t nobody got time for that.

Some other things, before we go.

As I said earlier, we have one “big meal a day.” Usually dinner, and usually Daniel makes it, which is awesome, because I’m a terrible cook. So with that, Daniel usually has a sandwich or leftovers from the night before for lunch. I usually have a peanut butter sandwich, a few pieces of fruit, leftover vegetables, and some cereal. Or we eat a big brunch. I cook crepes every few days, and I love to bake. I’ve made muffins and pumpkin bread and I like to make smoothies, so we’re eating a lot and staying full.

Definitely make sure you’re eating enough and giving into your cravings. If you want something sweet, eat something sweet. If you want to eat some doritos, get a bag. But make smart choices. Get knock-off brands, even if you think they “don’t taste as good.” Save your money now until you get jobs where you can get actual cereal and not the Walmart brand. You’ll make it until then.

Drink water instead of soda and coffee. This is HARD for me, but I’ve gotten it down to one a day, so we don’t have to buy as much.

Grow your own vegetables and spices! I cannot wait to grow our own basil, mint, tomatoes, and rosemary. It’ll be fresh and lovely and something to take care of.

I hope this helps you and your little family, wherever you are and however poor you are. Eat. Break bread together. Work and love each other. It'll all be okay.

my thoughts regarding 13 Reasons Why

Hi. 

I've wanted to write this post since I finished watching 13 Reasons Why a few weeks ago, less than a week after it came out. I watched it over the course of the week slowly, similarly to how Clay listened to Hannah's tapes in the series itself, because it's a hard show to watch.

Rape. Bullying. Depression. Suicide.

Suicide. Suicide. Suicide. 

I know - I know how hard it is to see it. Let me be clear, I understand the worry this show has provoked. I understand suicides come in clusters, provoking others to attempt the same thing. I've read a lot of posts, a lot of research and articles and scientists discussing how this show could negatively impact people, especially people struggling with thoughts of suicide, like Hannah Baker - the character in the show who kills herself. 

I thought I would share my thoughts on some of their ideas as a person who has not only attempted suicide but still struggles with the impulse to this day. 

I'm going to address three of the most common arguments I've heard against the show - not to try to prove anyone wrong, but to share my reaction to each and ultimately share why I think 13 Reasons Show is an important show for people to watch.

The first concern I've heard has to do with the lack of help Hannah receives throughout the show. So many of the adults in this show fail to help Hannah, especially her teachers. They acknowledge this. One of them - who is one of the "reasons" Hannah ends her life is torn apart by that. 

Most of the adults seem too busy or not concerned enough about Hannah. I think that's true. However, instead of taking the lesson from this as "no one cares about my sadness" or to not ask for help, for me I realized the following:

No one else is going to save you. No one else knows what you're feeling. Be real. Talk about it. Be blunt - say "I'm thinking about killing my self." 

Hannah didn't ask for help. There were people who valued and treasured her and in the end she lost the fight - because she was alone. 

You have to choose to fight, choose to live. If you can't do it - like I haven't been able to, like Hannah wasn't - you have to ask for people to help you. Find people who will, whether those individuals are counselors or teachers or therapists or friends or parents. 

But you have to speak. Depression and suicide and desperate to keep you silent and alone. That's when you're easy to take. They make you fragile and lost and then they take you. 

The reality I saw in this show was that you can't rely on others to save you from your mental illness. Because people fail. They're busy and don't know your heart and thoughts. You have to fight first, even if it's just to find people to help you get better - fight to find a person who will listen and help you as you try to help yourself.  

I don't feel like I fully explained that point as well as I think about it, but I'll move forward and hope that it comes full circle later in this post. 

The second huge argument I've heard is that this show glamorizes suicide.

I don't believe that. 

I watched the scene where Hannah killed herself four times. I made myself watch because it reminded me that suicide isn't beautiful. It's not glamorous or lovely or peaceful. It was awful. It was bloody and terrifying and it hurt her. She died alone. She died all alone. 

She died in a pool of her own blood, crying out with pain, in a silent bathroom all by herself.

It was awful. It was terrible. Her parents found her, and it was heartbreaking. Their grief racked my body with sickness, the horror of it all. 

It didn't glamorize anything, in my opinion. But maybe that seemed glamorous. For someone who has been there or who is tempted to do that so often, it was a stark example to me of what suicide is and how it's awful and sickening, terrifying and painful. It made me remember it's not a glorious escape. That my blood won't be beautiful. That the escape I crave isn't really an escape at all - it's just more pain for myself, the world, and the people in it. 

The last big thing I want to touch on is that people say that Hannah places the blame on others for her death in a way that says they killed her. 

I believe the point of the show isn't to show how these terrible people made a girl kill herself. I think it shows how the awful things that happen to us can destroy us if we don't heal from them - if we don't win the battle to overcome them. 

She got raped. She got bullied. She got grabbed and touched and called awful names. She didn't do anything when her friend got raped. Her hurt, her guilt, her body. They all ate her away. If she hadn't used people's names, what would we call the tapes? Reasons. Reasons why she killed herself. 

Because rape can make you want to kill yourself. Because bullying can destroy you. Because guilt can consume you. 

When you experience trauma - whether that be assault or abuse or anything - you can face deliberating effects that interfere with your ability to live.

Hannah's reasons were experiences that led to her no longer being able to live. When certain events occurred, she began to experience devastating depression, anxiety, and other overwhelming negative effects on her mental health and emotional stability. Those things hurt her deeply and chipped at her willingness to live until there was nothing left. 

Maybe that's blame, but to me it was a list of things that took parts of her until there was nothing left. 

So, what? So. I believe this show portrayed things that happen every day in life, particularly in high schools, that can destroy us if we can't properly combat them. 

All of my friends in high school had been sexually assaulted. All of them. Me, too. I'm not exaggerating. I wasn't bullied, but millions of students are actively being bullied.

Abuse. Rape. Hands on your body, being called names in the hall. Broken relationships. Rumors. Loneliness. Being ostracized. 

They can destroy you. They tear at your soul, your heart, your sense of self.

Like Hannah, you can suddenly believe you are nothing. That no one cares. That you're alone. That you can't live anymore - that it would be better if you are dead. 

This show presented the reality that we all face. Especially us millennials, who have the highest unprecedented rate of anxiety and depression. 

It showed what happens if you give up. You die. You die alone. And all the people who desperately loved you become broken, battered, guilty people. 

Also, I think it showed that in a world against us, loving each other, even trying to love someone back to life, is one of the most vital tools we have to help each other. Clay wasn't a therapist or medical doctor. He couldn't cure Hannah. In the end, she wasn't cured. She lost the battle against mental illness. People lose it every day. But he acknowledges his love could have helped her. We cannot underestimate the power our care has on a person. Us loving someone can be an essential tool in their fight. We must be willing to help people battle their pain. If not, what hope is there? 

This show is a call of action to me. To know the signs. To listen. To try to talk about these things. Especially to yell from the rooftops - "DEMAND HELP." Do not stop until you find a person who can help you. Save yourself. Fight. Fight. Fight fight fight fight, because no one else makes the decision for you.

You choose to kill yourself.

You choose when you give up. 

You're the one that's gotta do this, but you can have other people walk belong side you, if you go find them. It's not easy. But it's the only choice you have.

It took me 9 years to find an antidepressant that worked. Years of pills, of no pills, of prayers, of counseling, of no counseling. Of using other things to not feel, to not kill my self that only hurt me. It took years. And sometimes I was alone.

But sometimes I let other people hold me because I couldn't do it. Sometimes it took a person. It took me remembering one person who loved me - who would be devastated when I killed myself. That's what it took. For Hannah, it could have been Clay. For me, it happened to be my tiny brother and sister. They were my reasons I chose to stay. 

13 Reasons Why was just that - 13 reasons why Hannah didn't want to stay anymore. 13 things that led to her battling depression. 13 things that led her to choose to kill herself, to end her story. 

She lost the battle. 

I believe this show is important. I do not want it taken off Netflix. I want it to show that yes, these things happen. These things can kill you. But. But. You are not alone. Your story doesn't have to end because of them. They don't have to be reasons why you killed yourself.

Your story doesn't have to end with you alone, empty, believing lies about your worth and life and future. Your story can be altogether different. It can. It can be one of healing and triumph and restoration. It can be a battle against the terrible. Against rape and death and dying and depression. 

To me, this show reminded me of all the reasons we must desperately fight if we want to live, especially in a world where so many things can hurt us.