my thoughts regarding 13 Reasons Why

Hi. 

I've wanted to write this post since I finished watching 13 Reasons Why a few weeks ago, less than a week after it came out. I watched it over the course of the week slowly, similarly to how Clay listened to Hannah's tapes in the series itself, because it's a hard show to watch.

Rape. Bullying. Depression. Suicide.

Suicide. Suicide. Suicide. 

I know - I know how hard it is to see it. Let me be clear, I understand the worry this show has provoked. I understand suicides come in clusters, provoking others to attempt the same thing. I've read a lot of posts, a lot of research and articles and scientists discussing how this show could negatively impact people, especially people struggling with thoughts of suicide, like Hannah Baker - the character in the show who kills herself. 

I thought I would share my thoughts on some of their ideas as a person who has not only attempted suicide but still struggles with the impulse to this day. 

I'm going to address three of the most common arguments I've heard against the show - not to try to prove anyone wrong, but to share my reaction to each and ultimately share why I think 13 Reasons Show is an important show for people to watch.

The first concern I've heard has to do with the lack of help Hannah receives throughout the show. So many of the adults in this show fail to help Hannah, especially her teachers. They acknowledge this. One of them - who is one of the "reasons" Hannah ends her life is torn apart by that. 

Most of the adults seem too busy or not concerned enough about Hannah. I think that's true. However, instead of taking the lesson from this as "no one cares about my sadness" or to not ask for help, for me I realized the following:

No one else is going to save you. No one else knows what you're feeling. Be real. Talk about it. Be blunt - say "I'm thinking about killing my self." 

Hannah didn't ask for help. There were people who valued and treasured her and in the end she lost the fight - because she was alone. 

You have to choose to fight, choose to live. If you can't do it - like I haven't been able to, like Hannah wasn't - you have to ask for people to help you. Find people who will, whether those individuals are counselors or teachers or therapists or friends or parents. 

But you have to speak. Depression and suicide and desperate to keep you silent and alone. That's when you're easy to take. They make you fragile and lost and then they take you. 

The reality I saw in this show was that you can't rely on others to save you from your mental illness. Because people fail. They're busy and don't know your heart and thoughts. You have to fight first, even if it's just to find people to help you get better - fight to find a person who will listen and help you as you try to help yourself.  

I don't feel like I fully explained that point as well as I think about it, but I'll move forward and hope that it comes full circle later in this post. 

The second huge argument I've heard is that this show glamorizes suicide.

I don't believe that. 

I watched the scene where Hannah killed herself four times. I made myself watch because it reminded me that suicide isn't beautiful. It's not glamorous or lovely or peaceful. It was awful. It was bloody and terrifying and it hurt her. She died alone. She died all alone. 

She died in a pool of her own blood, crying out with pain, in a silent bathroom all by herself.

It was awful. It was terrible. Her parents found her, and it was heartbreaking. Their grief racked my body with sickness, the horror of it all. 

It didn't glamorize anything, in my opinion. But maybe that seemed glamorous. For someone who has been there or who is tempted to do that so often, it was a stark example to me of what suicide is and how it's awful and sickening, terrifying and painful. It made me remember it's not a glorious escape. That my blood won't be beautiful. That the escape I crave isn't really an escape at all - it's just more pain for myself, the world, and the people in it. 

The last big thing I want to touch on is that people say that Hannah places the blame on others for her death in a way that says they killed her. 

I believe the point of the show isn't to show how these terrible people made a girl kill herself. I think it shows how the awful things that happen to us can destroy us if we don't heal from them - if we don't win the battle to overcome them. 

She got raped. She got bullied. She got grabbed and touched and called awful names. She didn't do anything when her friend got raped. Her hurt, her guilt, her body. They all ate her away. If she hadn't used people's names, what would we call the tapes? Reasons. Reasons why she killed herself. 

Because rape can make you want to kill yourself. Because bullying can destroy you. Because guilt can consume you. 

When you experience trauma - whether that be assault or abuse or anything - you can face deliberating effects that interfere with your ability to live.

Hannah's reasons were experiences that led to her no longer being able to live. When certain events occurred, she began to experience devastating depression, anxiety, and other overwhelming negative effects on her mental health and emotional stability. Those things hurt her deeply and chipped at her willingness to live until there was nothing left. 

Maybe that's blame, but to me it was a list of things that took parts of her until there was nothing left. 

So, what? So. I believe this show portrayed things that happen every day in life, particularly in high schools, that can destroy us if we can't properly combat them. 

All of my friends in high school had been sexually assaulted. All of them. Me, too. I'm not exaggerating. I wasn't bullied, but millions of students are actively being bullied.

Abuse. Rape. Hands on your body, being called names in the hall. Broken relationships. Rumors. Loneliness. Being ostracized. 

They can destroy you. They tear at your soul, your heart, your sense of self.

Like Hannah, you can suddenly believe you are nothing. That no one cares. That you're alone. That you can't live anymore - that it would be better if you are dead. 

This show presented the reality that we all face. Especially us millennials, who have the highest unprecedented rate of anxiety and depression. 

It showed what happens if you give up. You die. You die alone. And all the people who desperately loved you become broken, battered, guilty people. 

Also, I think it showed that in a world against us, loving each other, even trying to love someone back to life, is one of the most vital tools we have to help each other. Clay wasn't a therapist or medical doctor. He couldn't cure Hannah. In the end, she wasn't cured. She lost the battle against mental illness. People lose it every day. But he acknowledges his love could have helped her. We cannot underestimate the power our care has on a person. Us loving someone can be an essential tool in their fight. We must be willing to help people battle their pain. If not, what hope is there? 

This show is a call of action to me. To know the signs. To listen. To try to talk about these things. Especially to yell from the rooftops - "DEMAND HELP." Do not stop until you find a person who can help you. Save yourself. Fight. Fight. Fight fight fight fight, because no one else makes the decision for you.

You choose to kill yourself.

You choose when you give up. 

You're the one that's gotta do this, but you can have other people walk belong side you, if you go find them. It's not easy. But it's the only choice you have.

It took me 9 years to find an antidepressant that worked. Years of pills, of no pills, of prayers, of counseling, of no counseling. Of using other things to not feel, to not kill my self that only hurt me. It took years. And sometimes I was alone.

But sometimes I let other people hold me because I couldn't do it. Sometimes it took a person. It took me remembering one person who loved me - who would be devastated when I killed myself. That's what it took. For Hannah, it could have been Clay. For me, it happened to be my tiny brother and sister. They were my reasons I chose to stay. 

13 Reasons Why was just that - 13 reasons why Hannah didn't want to stay anymore. 13 things that led to her battling depression. 13 things that led her to choose to kill herself, to end her story. 

She lost the battle. 

I believe this show is important. I do not want it taken off Netflix. I want it to show that yes, these things happen. These things can kill you. But. But. You are not alone. Your story doesn't have to end because of them. They don't have to be reasons why you killed yourself.

Your story doesn't have to end with you alone, empty, believing lies about your worth and life and future. Your story can be altogether different. It can. It can be one of healing and triumph and restoration. It can be a battle against the terrible. Against rape and death and dying and depression. 

To me, this show reminded me of all the reasons we must desperately fight if we want to live, especially in a world where so many things can hurt us.