breathe

It's been four weeks since my last post.
My life for the past four weeks has been consumed by Rush. It's been the most stressful month in my life. It was hard, but there was some good in it too. It hasn't been what I expected, but that's okay.

But, yeah. Rush consumed my life. Therefore, blogging wasn't a thing. I actually missed my two year blogaversary *sob*. Blogging just wasn't an option. Neither was writing.

Shaving was definitely not a thing - sorry, fellow humans. And it's okay, Mom, nobody has been touching my legs because #foreveralone. Hahaha. But really.

Rushing a tribe is just a big time commitment. Luckily, I was blessed by being put in Kissimee because it apparently has one of the "chillest" rush processes. But it was still really hard and I was really challenged. I thought I'd share about it a little bit.

So, in preparation for Follies (a skit compete ion between the Tribes and Clubs), my KT sisters and I had to put in quite a bit of time practicing. My days were pretty much going to all my classes and then Rush stuff until midnight every day. I was really stressed. I mean, everyone was; I'm not a special case or anything. But my stress just started to build and then I started to have panic/anxiety attacks.

Before college, I had only ever had five or six panic attacks, but they were pretty scary. Basically, though, I started having them two or three times a day. And it was really, really hard and awful and I have to make myself breathe to keep from crying just thinking about it.

Let me break it down a little, just for clarification. I was not scared or anxious or panicked. I was stressed and it's like my mind can't handle it. I kind of lose control of myself. I just start crying and feel shaky and disconnected from myself. My throat tightens to the point where I just feel on the point of vomiting and I have trouble breathing. And it lasts for hours. The only way to get "rid" of them is for me to go to sleep and wake up the next morning. So if I had one in the morning, I would be having them all day long. Afterward, I am so physically and emotionally drained.

It got to the point where I couldn't leave my dorm room and couldn't even think about Rush practice without breaking down and dissolving into a mess. So I actually texted the VPs of my tribe and told them I was dropping out of Rush. For a whole day I told myself that I was done. I didn't wear my elephant that all pledges are required to wear. I was sad that day, but also relieved.

I didn't drop, obviously. I was encouraged a lot by the President of KT and the VPs just to stay until after Follies. And even promising that set me off for a few hours. But I am glad for the whole process because of the relationships I have made. I have gained so many precious, beautiful, unique, and amazing sisters through Kissimee. I have been encouraged through that fact.

I am also thankful for what God has been teaching me through out this. Truly, our God is an amazing God. Thank you, Lord. One night I was in my dorm room and I was in the middle of a panic attack and I couldn't breathe and I was crying harder than I ever have probably and incredibly melodramatically I just started yelling at my ceiling "What do you want me to do? What do you want, God? Just tell me and I'll do it!" (I was alone, don't worry. My poor roommate would be traumatized.)

I didn't understand why I was having panic attacks. Everyone just told me to trust God. It was like obviously because I was having panic attacks I wasn't trusting Him, but I didn't understand. I was reading my bible and asking Him to help me and I don't know. I didn't understand what I was supposed to do. But I opened my bible and randomly read a few chapters of Isaiah. And, of course, because God works like that I immediately read Isaiah 41:10, which states:

fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I still didn't have any idea of what I was supposed to be doing or praying or thinking, but I wasn't supposed to be scared. I was helpless by myself, powerless. I mean, it's not like I magically got better or anything. I was able to fall asleep. I've only had one panic attack since then. It was just what I really needed to hear.

I've never really felt like God was speaking to me or teaching me ever before in my life. I always struggled with that. But coming to college has transformed how I look at God. He has been teaching me SO much. And it's not a voice in my head or a feeling or anything like that. He's putting people in my life who love Him and point me toward Him. He's given me mentors like Charlotte and Drew and Jeff who love me without even knowing me. He's given me peers that make me think about how I think about God. He's given me so many random coincidences with what I'm studying and Chapel sessions and professors and slammed me with His love. He's given me friends who are amazing examples of His children.

He made me weak and sick and small and insignificant and thankful for it.

Truly, faith in Him is such a weird thing sometimes, but I finally really actually believe and mean it that is it the best thing that has ever and will ever happen to me.

God you are good.

the hands that created the universe are holding me and they want you, too