Why should I care about eating disorders?
Good question.
I understand where you’re coming from, though, to be perfectly honest. Before I had an eating disorder, I didn’t comprehend what having an eating disorder meant for a person. I didn’t understand how it affected a person and their family’s lives.
Looking back, I encountered eating disorders numerous times and I didn’t even realize it then. I remember, distinctly, the time where I walked in on one of my closest friends only to find her throwing up in a bathroom. She explained to me, quite quietly, with a note of guilt creeping into her voice that sometimes she threw up after she ate.
I said, “Oh.” Because I had no idea what to say. I didn’t know what else to say or do, whether I should talk to her about it or not, whether she wanted me to or not. It never even crossed my mind that she needed help. I didn’t think “maybe I should tell an adult” or “maybe she has bulimia.” I didn’t say anything, and, unfortunately, she continued to struggle with an eating disorder for quite a few years, until she was finally able to find help.
But what if I had said something? Don’t get me wrong; I am not plagued by guilt over this conversation. I, simply, was ignorant. I didn’t know the signs, symptoms, or realities that come with eating disorders and the people suffering from them. I had no idea what to do, or what to look for, or how to help someone battle their condition.
I am writing this blog post to try to help you know what to do. I think it’s vital for you to know what to do because 30 million Americans will have an eating disorder sometime during their lives. I am writing this blog post because at some point in your life, someone you love will have an eating disorder, whether it’s your neighbor, your spouse, your child, nephew, partner, or best friend. Whether it’s a girl at work or your son’s lab partner or someone of your very own flesh and blood - they will be suffering from the mental disorder that has the highest mortality rate of all mental disorders. They’ll be dying, right before your eyes.
And it doesn’t matter what they look like. They can be whatever label society has created - fat, skinny, curvy, a twig, a stick, voluptuous - and still be dying and suffering right in front of you.
Eating disorders are silent, vicious beasts that exist best in secret. They are most threatened when they are discovered by others. They vie to be kept in the dark, feeding on the insides of the person you love, in order to accomplish their goal. The goal is always death. If you’re good at anorexia, or bulimia, or any eating disorder, the prize is less weight, and, ultimately, dying.
I’m writing this because I never knew what I could and should do to help someone. I am writing this for my mother and father and sister and brother, for my best friends and lover, who had to watch me starve myself for three years. I cannot begin to imagine how they felt and I am so very sorry, but I am determined to try to help you and me, us - I am determined to try to help us, as people, - help those who we think are struggling with the deadliest mental illness there is.
What can I do about eating disorders?
- You can spread awareness. If no one knows about something, how can we ever expect there to be understanding or - better yet - action? If we don’t know the facts about eating disorders, especially the signs and symptoms, how can we help the people we love get better? Do your research. I’ll do mine, too. And then tell others about it.
- You can do SOMETHING because “awareness without action is worthless.” I just quoted Dr. Phil, and I am not ashamed, because he is dead right. I can know all the facts about eating disorders, I can know what it’s like to have one, but if I don’t do something about it, I’m not changing anyone and the time I spent existing in an eating disorder or learning about one is worthless. There are always things to be done, so don’t let yourself use that excuse. There are walks every year for NEDA (National Eating Disorder Awareness) and many other organizations dedicated to helping people recover. There are treatment centers who would love funding or volunteers or support that change countless lives every year with their care.
- You can talk about them. There are girls and boys on track teams and sitting in history class wondering if they are alone in their illness. I DID NOT KNOW I HAD AN EATING DISORDER FOR OVER SIX MONTHS AFTER IT BEGAN. I didn’t know what anorexia really was. I didn’t know if other people were like me, or if I was the only one. I thought I was alone, but now I know - we are never truly alone. I was lucky enough to meet countless others struggling with conditions similar to mine, but so many people, especially the young boys are girls who are fighting eating disorders, are so deeply alone. So, please. Let’s talk about this.
What can I do if someone I love has an eating disorder?
I decided to add, “What should I do?” to this question, because, as a survivor of anorexia, I know what it’s like to have people who want to help you. I know the good things people did to help me - and I know the things that pushed me away, closer to my eating disorder.
- Don’t show them you are angry toward them. I think this is hard. I think it’s very hard, but it’s also very important.
When I first started losing weight, I remember my parents telling me for the first time that I needed to stop. I remember their words - “that’s enough.” I remember my real dad yelling at me to eat. I remember their frustration and the accusations and the constant feeling of tension at meals in our house. Oh, I hated it. I was so angry and scared, but I didn’t believe I had a problem. I was angry because they wanted to take something I thought was good away from me. Their anger made me shut down. And, later, when I finally realized I did have a problem, I was too embarrassed and scared to talk to them, because they had been right. I was afraid they’d be angry again. (This was not their fault at all. It was no one’s fault. It was simply how my and our story unfolded).
Please, if you expect someone has an eating disorder, don’t be angry.
2. Try to talk to them about it. Like I said, I didn’t believe I had a problem, and I believe many people suffering from an eating disorder have similar beliefs. I have heard the phrases “I only skip one meal” or “I eat enough calories to live” or “I only threw up twice last week” so many times from people who needed help. Even if they don’t believe they have a problem, they do. Try to talk to them about if. If they don’t want to talk to you, find someone they will talk to. Take them to a counselor, a good one. And even later, ask them if about how they’re doing. Be gentle. Remind them you’re only asking because you love them, and you aren’t trying to control them or take away their power. You want to hear them. If they don’t want to talk, respect that, but remind them they can always come to you.
3. Please, be careful with the doctors. This one is tricky, because doctors are essential for recovery. They were for me. I had two counselors, a psychiatrist, and a person who weighed me every week when I first started to truly recover. I wouldn’t have gotten better without them - and I needed a medical professional to write down my weight each week. NOT A PARENT. A medical professional. Doctors are essential for recovery, but some don’t handle eating disorders well. At all.
I was told by the first doctor my mother took me to, that I was perfectly fine. That losing the twenty pounds I had lost was okay, as long as I didn’t lose more. That my BMI was normal, so I didn’t have an eating disorder. I used that against my mother, and lost thirty more pounds for good measure, because I was perfectly fine with a lovely BMI. Again, for the ones in the back, you can have any BMI and have an eating disorder. So find a doctor that takes the person you love’s condition seriously, regardless of their size.
4. This one I feel like I’ll get some flak for, especially from people with eating disorders, but I’m sorry. I believe this. Put them into treatment. Do it. Stop whatever it is they’re doing and get them into a program. If it’s college or high school or work or being a mom or playing baseball - get them out of it and put them into an intensive recovery program.
They are not living. They might be doing “big things” but they are dying from their disorders. School is not more important than recovery. Graduating college is not as important as not starving to death. Being able to finish your senior year of high school will not ever be more important than you getting your life back and healing from a disease that is very likely to kill you and rob you of your future.
5. Don’t comment on their bodies. Especially once they start gaining weight because they are saving themselves by eating. DO NOT DO IT, no matter your intentions. It’s not encouraging. It will destroy them. It’s devastating. Don’t comment on their bodies or weight. If you must, compliment their souls. Complement their choice of makeup or shirt or eye color. Tell them you love their smile and laugh and the way they make pancakes or can do math. Compliment on what is definitively them, not what is changed as they change shape and size.
5. Love the crap out of them. Love them so hard. Point them to Jesus, because that’s a transforming kind of love. Pray for them, sit beside them while they cry, let them know they can call you anytime of the night (and mean it), help them believe they are precious and have value and are loved because they don’t believe it. They don’t see themselves the way you see them. They can’t. They have to learn, and it takes a really long time. So love them until they can learn to love themselves and let themselves eat and live again.
6. Let their recovery take time. Eating disorders don’t just go away, especially once a weight is reached. Even if they look healthy again, don’t just assume they’re better. It’s still a long fight and struggle inside the mind. I struggled the most with my eating disorder once I was weight restored (i.e. reached the weight I was before anorexia). Let their healing take years, if it has to. Allow them to heal at their own pace, and let them find their life slowly and steadily.
I think that’s enough for today, guys. I’m tired after writing that, but a good kind of tired. I will hopefully write more this week. I want to, desperately. Please, please, please email me or message me on facebook if you have any questions or concerns, or if you want to tell me your story. I would love that. I truly would.
Below, I am including a chart concerning eating disorders in teenagers, a poem from my current work in progress Heartbeat Sound, and some useful links for research. I hope you enjoy all of them, and can learn something to help you whenever you encounter a person with an eating disorder.
Much love always,
Gabbie 
Also, check out, https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/learn/general-information/what-are-eating-disorders.
This poem was written the first week I started not restricting. By restricting, I am referring to the diet I lived by when I was anorexic. I had a 1000 calorie limit, and I exercised for about 2-5 hours a day. For some reason, I started to eat much more than that. I blame a loving God, who put me in the places I needed to be. He gave me wonderful counselors, medication that helped my brain, a boy who loved me desperately, and some amazing friends and family that believed in me.
It was three years long coming; I started to gain weight back that I desperately needed. People started to notice. The following is what I wrote last year in response to that. I have decided not to change it, because I think it's important to show you what I thought when I was still in the depths of my eating disorder.
January 31st at 11:39 PM
Two people today
told me:
“Wow,
you look different.”
“Your
face looks rounder.”
Because I do not look like a skeleton?
Because I am 107
bordering on 108
with
thighs close to touching
Nauseating
that
thought
But I have a body that isn't fat
it's
not, gabbie
It’s
not
It's got more meat
you can't count my bones
but it is firmer
solid
with bones that do not feel like they will
break
and a softer waist
wider thighs
thicker arms
but it's also fed
more energy
larger size
not straight lines
broader thighs
lighter eyes
hair that grows
not
falls
a number that climbs on the scale
muscles gaining mass
fat gaining, going high
fat doesn't have to be bad
Why live a life
dictated by a number?
But don't
comment on my body
the shape of my face
don't tell me I look great
don't mention my thighs
or the roundness of my face
or how different I look
Just don't
I don't care what place you're coming from
whether it's kind
or
not
concerned
or
proud
Don't comment on my body
my shape or my size
my hair or my eyes
Comment on my kindness
my
compassion
Find something that's me
regardless
of size
Tell me to nurture that
to make that grow in size
remind me that I am not me
not
bound by this body
because as of now
this thing is my enemy
and I don't want it to be me
So let's focus on different aspects of me
comment on my laugh
or my jeans
not
their change in size
tell me you like my creativity
or my writing
how I cannot do geometry
make my spirit
my portion my prize
until I'm ready
and can live and exist
regardless of size
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