The Rap War

  Last night, I had a two and a half hour long basketball practice. I was pretty tired after it and my foot hurt really bad for no reason at all (it likes being difficult) so I decided to take a long shower to relax. 

  I tend to sing in the shower. It's the only place besides my car, Karen, where I ever even try to sing. I would relate myself to the Sirens in Grecian mythology -- the creatures whose beautiful songs led sailors to their deaths. But my voice just causes people's ear drums to explode. 

 I tend to stick to singing in the shower or my car.

 I started off singing 'Skinny Love' by Bon Iver and 'Stubborn Love' by the Lumineers which are my two favorite songs at the moment. I then went to praise and worship songs and somehow I found myself singing a rap song.

 Do not ask me how that happened. 

 But then I realized the lyrics were awful and I was like 'self, why are you singing this? why? why can't you sing a good, clean rap song that's funny or about kittens or something' and then I was like 'yeah, I can make up a great rap!'

 And then I started rapping and I put this status on facebook:

I was just telling of the awesome, eye opening rap experience I had, but someone took it as a personal challenge. This person was my friend Job. Like from the Bible.

(Clarification. My friend Job is not from the Bible. He is from the country. His name originates from the Bible. Just wanted to clear up the confusion -- if there was any. I'm not judging you or calling you stupid, but it's a Tuesday. I'm slow on Tuesdays.) 

Anyway my friend Job came into ACS (homeroom) and challenged me to a rap off. I refused to sing so we wrote it on the board. 

 Mine are the top two in blue and Job's is the one in black.

 My friends were not sure who the winner was. So we left school and called it a draw, but then I got home from basketball and saw I had a text from Job.
And it was a rap.
I took it as a challenge.

 (ur a sinner. but if it was u kno i would be the winner. CROWD: [ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh])

First off, this rap makes no sense. Yes, I am a sinner. I acknowledge that. The phrase but if it was makes no sense. If what was? Is he referring to me as an it? Because that is just plain insulting.

Before I could respond, he sent me yet another text.

 (Just when u thought i was done i came back. it aint over. im here to attack. cuz ur rhymes are lame. u think this rap battles a game? if u think that then)

U think this rap battles a game? Obviously not. A rap cannot battle anything. If there was a apostrophe in there I would realize he meant 'you think this rap battle is a game) but no, he threw grammar out the window and just caused yet another round of confusion.

So I responded with this:

 (Oh burn you think dat crowds on yr side. Bro they leading u straight to demise. Yr mouth goes to a frown yah boy im going to town. CROWD: buuuurrrrnnn)

Ignore all my previous hypocritical grammar comments.

 Job was quick to respond, sending the following:
(Alright i see how it is gab. Of course thats all u had. That rhyme was drab and all i read was blab blab. But even if u goin to town u takin a cab [drop mike in face and walk off stage])

Up until this point, I was pretty impressed with his skills, but this turned to a new stage in the battle.

 (well considering yall just used one rhyme that whole dang time i just say step back keep that nonsense at bay u got no idea what yourself into so step back and listen to these sweet rhymes imma give you)

That^ was my ingenious response. I was falling hard, fast. I waited for his rebuttle, my fingers trembling at the keyboard nervously . . .

And then I got the text from Job that would change our battle forever . . .

(Two lines ur not a riley ur a DuMonde. Its already over move on. [haha this is my favorite one yet...cuz it strikes close to home])

My own book turned against me.
I surrendered and bowed to Job's rapping skills.

And so ended the rapping battle of 2012.