so this is college

Well, it's happened.

I'm a college student. It's happened. There's no going back now. For some, who will remain unnamed (Amber Durham), the process brought about the shedding of many tears. I know it's been a huge transition for me.

I mean, you hear about college all your life growing up. It's an unavoidable part of life, for the most part. The idea of going to college after high school is one that we, as a society, spoon feed to preschoolers. Even as a freshman in high school, I knew without a doubt that I was going to go to a university after high school, but it didn't ever feel like a thing. A real thing. It didn't feel real after I finished my junior, as I started to fill out applications (many, many applications), got acceptance letters, or even as I visited schools. College didn't feel like it was real as I bought chevron patterned dorm accessories or texted my roommate (who is really nice, by the way). Heck, it didn't even feel real on the drive down to Mississippi.

It's a ten hour drive from my home to MC (my college). And as we drove, I couldn't really grasp the fact that once we got to our destination I would be dropped off. My parents were going to drive away and I was not going with them. 

Don't get me wrong - I've gone to camps. I've been over seas by myself. But it was always just a trip, I guess, and not permanent.

And, even as my mother told me "it's just six weeks until you come home. It's just like camp," I couldn't help but feel differently. I am officially on my own. I will always have a home, of course, back in Elmwood with my family, but college is a whole new part of life. It's the start to the rest of my life. Yes, I'll go home for weekends and breaks and summers, but it's different now. After I get done it's not really culturally "normal" to move home again. I'm supposed to be a grown up, with my own apartment (which seems really cool, actually), a small mammal or two for pets, with a job. Maybe even a husband (the scariest idea of all).

Don't get me wrong here, guys. I am literally SO EXCITED right now. For college. For this part of my life and the parts beyond that. I was smiling so much yesterday on move in day that my face literally are sore today. Not even exaggerating. I was so hyper all day and happier than I've been in a really long time. Not that I've been particularly unhappy or anything - my whole being was just so awake and alive and brimming over with the potential and newness of it all.

It just hit me, after my parents left me alone in my dorm room. It hit me even harder as I laid in my bed last night, alone in a room at 12:37 A.M. I was alone.

Really, growing up, I was never truly alone. I may have been by myself, but there were always people I knew/loved within shouting distance. Neighbors, family, peers, teachers, pets, even familiar faces in town.

Suddenly, there was no one else except me. I have never had to go make friends. I'm not trying to be cocky or anything, but I've always had people around me. I was with the same 28 kids for the past ten years. I suddenly realized I could fall through the cracks and no one around me would know. Heck, no one around me even knew about my existence, really.

It was scary.

And for a moment, I'll admit it, I was overwhelmed by doubt and discouragement. I was so lonely. I was scared. I wasn't sure if I'd make friends or be happy or be able to do it.

Pause.

I'M OKAY MOM.

Okay. Back to what I was saying.

For a moment I was tempted to throw in the towel, to give up, to accept the fact that I would become a recluse and wallow in sadness and despair. But I think that's just part of this whole growing up business. It's new. It's scary. It's hard, but, at the same time, while being all these things and more, it's so, so, so very beautiful. Just like the rest of life.

Life can be hard and scary and sometimes lonely. It can be drudgery, broken hearts, failed tests, sickness and pain. Life can suck the breath out of you, a painful ache in your chest. Life can seem unfair or not worth it, but the real, hard truth is - fact, really - is that life is beautiful.

And when something is beautiful it can't even come in contact with ugliness.

These feelings and awful things, these tests and trials and suffering we endure on earth, may overwhelm us and try to make us believe that life is ugly and not worth living, but they are fleeting. Life is more than a failed relationship or crying in a dorm room or feeling broken and worthless. It has ups and downs, but it is an adventure of our very own. There is harmony and love and dancing and friendships and hugs and singing your favorite song.

There is family and color and food and your favorite thing.

Regardless, life is always beautiful.

I guess that's what I've gotten out of my first, what, 36 hours of college? I am already forming relationships. Yes, there is loneliness and fear, but I can already see just how great the next four years are going to be. And I can't wait for them.

And I'm thankful God did this. For the loneliness and confusion, because it was such a reminder that, even though I feel alone, I will always have Him. He is my comfort and my redemption, my strength and my song. My reason for living. God is so good to me.

This life is good.

And college is, too.

They have free wifi and popsicles.




Signed,

a hopeful, terrified, lucky, and extremely loved
child of God, daughter, roommate, friend, sister, and
      college student